Crowbar: Handcuffed to a radiator in Tibet.
Esquire: We went through the safety word 12 times.
Crowbar: Yeah, and you said a different one each time! Then you fucked off to the beach.
Crowbar: Worst game of Monopoly ever, I swear.
Esquire: Enough of this! Let's get to it!
Crowbar: I had to fashion a lockpick from my teeth, man.
Crowbar: And now you are making me watch these Black Eyed Peas Cunts
Esquire: Hey c'mon, they have international acclaim! There is black guy, Fergie, American Indian and the other black guy that doesn't matter.
Crowbar: Even George Harrison got more recognition than black guy that doesn't matter.
Esquire: God's flight of shame towards Earth.
Crowbar: : This is just reminding me of my childhood. I wanted to be an astronaut, you know man? Go into space. NOW LOOK AT ME.
Esquire: Yeah? Well it's not like I chose this either. Besides, what's so great about space?
Esquire: Oh right. he's not there.
Crowbar: And if we take him there, he will die. I like that. It gives me a warm feeling. Nice shoulder pad, asshole. I'm pretty sure I saw that outfit in Fallout.
Esquire: Homeless people dress better than this guy.
Crowbar : This is the new Fergie Minecraft skin. No-one wants it.
Esquire: A talentless hack with the head of a talentless hack. It's like a modern version of a mythological creature.
Crowbar: I am awed by the sublime beauty of the Hacktosaurus.
Esquire: One: Cut a hole in the box. Two: Put your junk in that box. Three: Make a music video.
Crowbar: Will. i. Am appears to be masturbating onto the turn-table. It's nice that they're showing clips of the song's production.
Esquire: Imagine being a groupie for the BEP, and the last thing you see is this before you are gassed and processed to become Wacky Stupid Tacky Clothing or Accessory Choice #34232
Crowbar: Being killed and turned into a naval jacket/space suit. That's not a fate I could wish upon anyone.
Esquire: I imagine Fergie in a large mansion, sipping brandy next to a roaring fire, sitting on a chair made only of the finest hipster while admiring her rug made of a 16 year old girl.
Crowbar: Speaking of which...
Crowbar: Gojira! Run for your lives!
Esquire: Why couldn't they pixel her out?
Crowbar: Because it made a solid wall of pink blocks that looked like it was going to crush you. The testing audience screamed.
Esquire: Testing audience? You mean this was tested on humans? Fuck PETA.
Crowbar: To say nothing of the animals. When I played this song on my speakers, every dog within several square miles started barking. Cattle tipped their heads towards the sky and bellowed. Every spider in my house rolled over and died.
Esquire: And the clouds parted, and the mountain crumbled and the oceans dissipated. From the clouds bellowed a voice "Dirty Bit".
Crowbar: Wow, the useless guy. I think they keep him in cryogenic storage, thawing him whenever they need someone to shout in the chorus.
Esquire: He constantly cries about his situation, hence the glasses. I'd also like to point out that no-one in the audience notices that he is there. It's brilliant.
Can you imagine his pick up line?
"Hey baby, do you like the Black Eyed Peas?"
"Yeah! I love their songs. That lead singer is sooo hot"
"Y...yeah."
Then comes the cattle prodding, where they lead him back to his cage or cryo tube or whatever.
Crowbar: Actually, I think I'll try that some time. Standing on my car and waving my genitals at on-coming traffic just isn't working out.
Esquire: We in the business call that the "Tim Allen".
Crowbar : Oh hey, product placement! That's how you get respect as an artist, right?
Esquire: The lead singer is a total narcissist, I think, so this is his version of porn. "Oh yeah, that's right. Who's the big guy? I'm the big guy". Then he goes back to masturbate on the turntables.
Crowbar: They wouldn't need to sell out so much if they didn't have to replace all of their jizzed-out turn-tables.
Esquire: Then again, the only way to get Fergie motivated is jizzed out turn-tables.
Crowbar: The dance-bot's malfuctioning! Its ass is gonna blow!
Esquire: I like the shocked expression on the everyones face. "OH FUCK, TOO MUCH CAT DRUGS".
Crowbar: Jesus, she's dancing like a motherfucker. It's no wonder everyone else is giving her room on the, uh...
Crowbar: Esq, what is this thing they're doing? Is it a mosh pit? Where does this mosh pit go?
Esquire: It appears to have trees in the background and the roof is very high. My best guess is; Fergie's Free Range roaming grounds.
Esquire: You have to let her stretch her legs out once in a while. You think sounding that terrible comes naturally? You have to work at it.
Crowbar: I always buy free-range music. It's less cruel on the what the fuck am I saying, I want bad things to happen to these people.
Esquire: Scared me for a bit there. Almost thought I'd be seeing your glassy-eyed expression hung on the wall of Fergie's house on the next episode of MTV Cribs.
Crowbar: Other black guy's trying to get through here, everyone just keeps dancing like nothing's happening. He's like Reverse-Moses.
Esquire: He's also smiling like a nervous 1st Grader during school photos.
"Smile!"
"I am smiling!"
"Forget it, I'll use a dummy"
Crowbar: "Someone go and re-thaw Taboo."
Esquire: His name is very appropriate.
Crowbar: No-one wants to mention that he exists.
Esquire: Like, people come into their studio, they flip a switch and his cage is immediatly hidden by framed pictures of beastiality.
Crowbar: A subway! It's brilliant! Dank, devoid of hope, smells like piss and filled with the homeless-insane! It's a metaphor for the band, don't you see?
Esquire: Fat guy in the back is like "Look away, just look away, don't make..err...box contact"
Crowbar: Even random fat dude has too much self-respect to want to be in this music video.
Esquire: I don't want to be stopped by this weirdo when I've got a Pyramid Scheme to get to.
Esquire: He approaches you as the train doors start to close, preaching something about the Grand Cube. Then his head gets stuck in the doors and you laugh for the full 4 stops that he remains stuck, flailing about wildly.
Crowbar: Or he gets ground into paste against the wall, either one's funny.
Crowbar: Hold up. Hold on, here. This demands explanation. This guy's an eye or something, apparently?
Esquire: Well no shit Crowbar. He's got it printed right there on his shirt. Do you think he came to the shooting with the eye on his head? Like, the secretary asked "What are you supposed to be?" He just motions to his shirt and she hands him the keys and goes back to her sudoku.
Crowbar: He probably can't see well in that helmet. I think he was meant to be in a different, better video, and got lost. I want to be where he was going.
Esquire: You know what he reminds me of? O'Doyle from Billy Madisson. Like, left out black guy tries to get through, Eye comes through and pushes him over. "EYEMAN RULES".
Crowbar: Eyeman is clearly the hero of this video. His is a story for the ages.
Crowbar: God, having witnessed the horror of his creation, does what any of us would do in this situation and quickly retreats.
Esquire: Well that was certainly an experience. I think I have to get the shit kicked out of me by Lordi to cleanse the pallet.
Crowbar: I'm going to put a box on my head and stumble around the inner city with overpriced electronics.
Esquire: I'm also going to put a box on my head, except this one will project the image of a screeching harpy.
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